One concern that often arises when counseling parents and children through a separation or divorce is that children from the introduction of one to a new partner. How soon is too soon? How do you know when is the right time? Children must be a certain age? If the decision was made in connection with one's ex? Where the introduction should take place – at home or in a public place? Should children be told about it in advance or be a "chance" meeting? How should introduce him or her – as a friend or a boy or a girl? If he or she be included in family gatherings? How do you react to their children or feel about your new partner?
Since this is so common, and obviously the major concern, I thought it might be useful to address in this article. Of course, there is no single formula or recipe to follow. However, there are some points that are more generally applicable across the board. Taking into account the above questions, I will deal with one, sometimes two at once:
1. How soon is too soon?
If you are planning to introduce their children to his new girlfriend a few months of being separated, then it is probably too soon. Their children have hardly had time to get used to the idea of not being together as a family unit and are probably not at all interested in knowing who is spending time with someone new. For one thing, not appreciate knowing that their father or mother is so soon forgotten, and secondly that not be happy about having to split your time between them and a new partner. Some parents have said they will wait a year before introducing any new person in the lives of their children and at the same time I think it is admirable that have decided to wait a long period of time before adding more changes in the lives of their children, I do not think there is a magic number.
2. How do you know when is the right time? And children must be a certain age?
If you can see that their children have adapted quite well and are going through the grieving process as expected, then you may be able to introduce someone new after eight or nine months, for example. Besides making reasonably sure that their children are prepared for the news, assess the situation based on their age (younger children may accept a new partner more easily than an older child or adolescent), his personal temperament and personality and how comfortable you are about to talk about separation and divorce in general. Have you read a book or seen a movie about divorce and new partners in the life of the parents? Watch for their reaction – verbal and physically – to see how they respond. You may ask questions that relate to the movie or book to see where they are.
In addition, make sure your connection is secure. The worst case scenario is to present and expose their children to a new relationship of each month. His new partner is someone you see being with long term? Have you seen the way they interact with other children (maybe even your own)? Are you able to pursue a relationship with you and your children in the way you like or not they still have a commitment to another person?
3. If the decision was made in connection with one's ex?
Some parents who have managed to maintain a friendly attitude after separation or divorce often tell me they have mutually decided that the magic number to move from the months before introducing your children to new partners. Then I hear a lot of anger and resentment when one parent wants to introduce their children to another couple earlier than the appointed time.Although the former is great if you can communicate and discuss when the weather is best for their children, it is better to be able to assess the situation at the time of wanting to make the introduction instead of having to reach an exact number of months before to do so. Of course, every parent wants their children's interests to be considered first, but it is very difficult for an ex to remain emotionally enough to be the final judge of whether children are ready or not – especially if he or she have preferred that the marriage had never ended. I had the opportunity to meet many friendly ex that me as a mediator, have worked through this issue with their children's best interests in mind.
4. Where the introduction should take place – at home or in a public place? And if children are told about in advance or be a "chance" meeting?
Each situation is unique and part of it depends on your personal situation and individual personalities of their children. There are pros and cons to make the presentation both inside and outside your home. The advantages of introducing someone new into the home is that their children, after the initial introduction, you can hide for a while if they wish, to check the situation from a distance and then move on when ready. The scam is that children may not be ready to have a strange relationship between his house and he or she may resent sitting in a chair that sat in Papa, for example.
The program will make the introduction of the house is that everyone is in neutral territory and in more of a level playing field. The scam is that there may be nowhere for children to escape. Since my suggestion is to give their children some notice before the meeting, instead of making it "by chance" that invite their views regarding the meeting should take place. Some parents prefer to do a big business for the first meeting, but prefer to gradually involve his "friend" in the meetings and eventually become the exchange that their relationship is not entirely friendly – this may be acceptable too.
5. How should introduce him or her – as a friend or a boy or a girl?
A friend recently shared a story of how his ten year-old daughter learned about her relationship with her new partner. At first he thought his daughter of his partner as nothing more than a "friend". She had invited him over when only she and her daughter were together, but often small, attended meetings where his daughter had the opportunity to chat with him. This allowed him to meet him within a context of threat. Then my friend to visit his home with his daughter to be reunited with their new puppies. This created a closer connection between them. At some point, the daughter of my friend began to suspect that her mother's relationship with his friend, "was more than that and asked his mother if he was her" boyfriend. " This led to a discussion of the difference between a "Friend" and "boyfriend" and that eventually led to my friend, revealing that, as defined by the daughter of a boyfriend ( "someone to kiss and hug") that it was actually her boyfriend. Depending on your child again and the situation, the introduction of a new partner may be more gradual and informal.
6. If he or she be included in family gatherings?
Again, this is a good question to be discussed with their children. I think it is good to find the balance. If your kids spend time with their parents, use this as an opportunity to spend most intense periods of time with his new partner. When your children are with you, make sure not to her new partner all the time – especially at first. As their relationship evolves, enable participation to increase gradually. Keep watching to assess the response of children to their being there.Of course, you are entitled to the company of adults and children should not command if he or she is there at all, but should have the right to express their opinion about how their presence is being felt. If you feel that your concerns are legitimate, then you may want to adjust the arrangements.
7. How do you react to their children or feel about your new partner?
There is no right answer to this question. My experience has been that children react with a multitude of different emotions. Everything from the jealousy and anger to compassion for his other parent to happiness or relief about his new love. The most important point to remember is to be open to everything they are feeling and reassurance that what you are feeling is normal and understandable and available to talk anytime.
And dealing with separation and divorce need an adjustment period for both you and the children, so you learn to accept a new person in your life. Please note that your child is not likely (especially if he or she is a bit more) to love his new partner to act as a third parent. He or she must do whatever it takes to be a friend either. In fact, some older children have shared how much they dislike the feeling that his new father "friend" is trying too hard to win over him or her. As difficult as it is to define himself in the lives of their children, allow this to be a gradual process in which everyone can know each other, to make this transition as easy as possible for everyone.
